My first blog in quite some time is a collection of insights or what has shown up for me since I last wrote.
The first thing that showed up after my last blog post was the need to recognise the inevitability of ebb and flow. We all go into dark places from time to time. Being in this conversation, having this understanding doesn’t mean happy ever after. That was a bit of a shock for me.
My low mood led to insecure thinking about money, work, the future, what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I started to believe my thinking. So much so that I began to question the inside-out nature of human experience. I started to think it was all a con, a gimmick, another self-help tool. The blog posts and videos that had initially shown me my true self and helped me out of anxiety and depressed began to look like sales pitches, people wanting me to buy into something. I began to question everything.
Previously, this would have been the beginning of a long downward spiral. This would have lead to my going to see a doctor, believing I was broken, believing I had an illness, taking medication, seeking help, and more worrying that this was it, my life, forever! Luckily, the Three Principles of Mind, Consciousness and Thought are not a belief and they’re not for sale.
They are me. They are life. I couldn’t un-know that once I had seen it.
I’m not the driver of this vehicle, I don’t choose my state of mind or level of consciousness and there, in the midst of my low mood, wisdom showed up. It told me to slow down, not make big decisions, just ride it out with grace.
I did. I’m okay. I’m always okay.
What I heard next has been a tough one – “I need to love myself more”. I have no issues with giving my love away to anyone who needs it. I cry for the loss that others feel, I comfort those who are struggling, I see the sadness in the world and I want to love and care for everyone. Why then, do I find it so difficult to love myself? I’m hearing that this is not only a must, but that my life depends on it. I’m learning that I have never truly known how to love myself, my physical self, my emotional self, my ego self. But, I do know that I love my true self. The self before the form, the interconnected to all of life self.
So, it looks to me like self-love is recognising that the whole and the individual are one and the same. Realising there is no distinction between formless and form, physical and spiritual – beyond duality, the oneness of life. What I was hearing was “you don’t love yourself and you don’t know how”. When, it isn’t that I don’t love myself, but my thinking had me believe I was separate from all that I love. What I now hear is “you are love”.
Finally, saving the best until last, what showed up was –
“Everything I see, without exception, is nothing but a reflection of my state of mind!”
Wow, what a statement!
But it’s the truth and I can prove it. Whether it is not enough money, a messy house, not having anything to wear, annoying parents, unhelpful husband or a shit job – all of it – not real! All of it a reflection of my state of mind.
I know this because somedays I think about my finances and I want to run away and hide, I start looking deperately for better paying jobs, I get grumpy when the kids want money for something or other. Other times, I think it will all be okay, things will improve, there’s no rush, we have what we need for now. Sometimes, I think how lucky I am and how my financial position is the best it’s ever been with minimal credit, no student loans and I start looking at new furniture and pricing up home improvements. Nothing has changed. My financial situation remains exactly the same. The only thing that has changed is my state of mind, my level of consciousness.
Similarly, some days I find my kids or my husband irritating and demanding of my time and energy, cooking, cleaning, homework, packed lunches are all just too much. On other occasions, I feel love and joy around my family, I’m happy to cook and provide them with healthy meals and cleaning the house gives me a sense of pride and achievement. None of it is real. None of it wrong, none of it right. All just a reflection of my thinking.
As I write this I feel blessed. Blessed with having this understanding. Blessed to know that ebb and flow happens and grateful for everything that shows up.